This past weekend, I watched part of Up in the Air to keep myself busy while my boyfriend did some work. While the movie as a whole is pretty entertaining, I was struck in particular by a scene where Natalie Keener, played by Anna Kendrick, and Alex Goran, played by Vera Farmiga, discussed what they were looking for in a partner. Anna is set to represent women in their 20's.
Natalie Keener: Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?
Despite how far we have come, women like Anna -- and admittedly many other women out there in their 20s -- base their value not their personal successes, but rather on their marital status. What is the point of landing that job, promotion, etc. if you don't have someone to share it with?
But, if we are being honest, would you even land that job or promotion if you did have a significant other? Women tend to become distracted by marriage and then babies, forsaking their career goals for another kind. I'm not critical of this - it is just an observation. It is almost impossible for a woman to be everything to everyone - an excellent wife, caring mother, successful professional.
Maybe the only way of having it all, is to have a compromised version of it all. Realizing that you are not going to make every PTA meeting while billing 2,000 hours a year... see Alex's response below.
Alex Goran: You know, honestly by the time you're 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you, not an a$$-hole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don't think about that when you're younger. Someone who wants kids/ likes kids/wants kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that's a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that's not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it.
Basically, what Alex wants boils down to a man that isn't a jerk and makes more money than she does... oh yeah, and a nice smile. Whereas Natalie's requests come off as idealistic, Alex's read more as a woman just looking to settle. She places significant emphasis on finding a man that makes more than her, emphasizing that the antiquated gender roles in a relationship are still prevalent in the back of a modern woman's mind.
Natalie also gives a long list of requests, whereas Alex, playing a woman only 10 years her senior,
gives just a few - most of which she compromises on. This got me thinking... does our "list" get smaller as each year passes without finding the One? That makes sense; but, is the shorter list a sign that Alex is just settling?
I decided to discuss this with my boyfriend, who is in his early 30's. I was curious if the above was also true for men. What was his list? Someone he gets along with, and who supports him. Mind you, my list went on for about 5 minutes. Some of the things on my list include: supportive, someone who is going to call me out on my B.S., someone who is up for anything, preferably Jewish, hopefully with glasses... and the list goes on. Obviously this is a small sample, but interesting nonetheless.
Maybe the real reason our list gets smaller is not because we are settling, but because we are finally realizing what is most important. Cross off all of the physical attributes on Natalie's list, and you are not left with much... Maybe it is time we all look at our list, and start crossing off a few things - starting with mine.
